It's been awhile since I wrote anything of substance or value, not because nothing's happened, but because I was hoping to be able to report better news than I have today. The long and short of it is that I got laid off Monday and have spent my week looking for work, so far to no avail.
I'm so angry and so sad at the same time. It's such a helpless feeling being let go. They gave me 2 weeks severance pay at least and were a little sad about having to lay me off, but the projects they hired me to work on fell through because of the economic collapse. Now I'm unemployed. Sucks. Luckily, I had a bit of money in the bank... enough to survive a couple of months with the help Katy's folks are chipping in. They're the only reason this isn't more stressful than it is and I can't thank them enough.
I just want to scream. I want to cry. I want to feel something besides anger suspended in a vacuum. It's such a hopeless feeling. I started sending resumes out for non-architecture jobs this morning because no one's really hiring in architecture. Almost everyone's belt is tightening. The gloomy weather doesn't help. I don't know if the weather matches my mood or my mood matches the weather, but either way, they're a stunning compliment to one another.
I don't know how far down the professional ladder I'm going to have to stoop to get a job... or if I'm going to have to jump onto another ladder. I don't mind leaving the architecture field, so much, as I mind the possibility of not getting paid enough to make payments on my student loans. What a spot to be in. I have a fresh degree but no job at the beginning of a recession... that means fresh student loan payments and no job at the beginning of a recession. Woopee!
It seems like life has become one sisyphusian task after another (pronounced \sis-eh-fis-ee-an\ or more correctly, \'si-sə-'fə-sē-ən\). Sisyphus, for those curious, was condemned by the gods to roll a rock uphill for all eternity and when the rock almost reached the top, it would fall back to the bottom. The Greeks saw that there was no more dreadful a punishment than futile and fruitless labor. Sometimes it seems that's what my life has become... futile and fruitless labor. I'm out here working just to make money. I hate money. I know there are those of you who can't imagine how someone could hate money, but if ever there was a devil, he was made of dollar signs.
But, of course, that's just the melodramatic personae in me coming out. In reality, all is not lost. I'll find a job doing something and life will go on.
I'm angry because I just lost my job due to stupid people making stupid decisions and not one person will be held accountable. I'm going to stop now because I've had to erase the last half-dozen things I've written. Too mad... seething mad... I think I'll go do a painting or something now.
I'll keep you updated.
Wish me luck, and patience, and wisdom...
...and sanity. I need some of that, too.
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