morning musings...

I am reading Henry Miller's Tropic of Cancer. You may have read it but if not you must. Thomas recommended it and I read the forward in the Bookstore. It was another moment where I asked myself, "How have I not done this before now?" I fell in love with this quote from another of Miller's works:

"To walk in money through the night crowd, protected by money, lulled by money, dulled by money, the crowd itself a money, the breath money, no least single object anywhere that is not money, money, money everywhere and still not enough, and then no money, or a little money or less money or more money, but money, always money, and if you have money or you don't have money it is the money that counts and money makes money, but what makes money money?"

Spectacular. And that was just in the forward. Then another line on the first page caught my eyes (you know how I am attracted to lines):

"We are all alone here and we are dead... The weather till continue bad, he says. There will be more calamities, more death, more despair. Not the slightest indication of a change anywhere. The cancer of time is eating us away. Our heroes have killed themselves, or are killing themselves. The hero, then, is not Time but Timelessness. We must get in step, a lock step, toward the prison of death. There is no escape. The weather will not change."

That line struck me but the effect was redoubled when three lines later he follows with, "I have no money, no resources, no hopes. I am the happiest man alive."

...just a random morning thought after my trolley ride to work.

So my mind is awash with ideas for a thesis. My ideas keep killing themselves though, hurled against the sharp shores of reason time and again to test their worth, only to be shattered into a million tiny pieces that churn and are reformed in the next wave. I may end up with something great. I may mess this up, too. I have put alot of pressure on myself. I'm scared of my ideas... I'm scared of my lack of ideas. I'm afraid that I'm truly losing my principles. I'm slowly falling to a place where I see a huge 'big picture' and see how little my flailings actually stir the waters. Troubling times in my mind. It's not reigning me to a halt but it is definitely making me weary. I miss being in my environment. I think it will be a long time before I come back to America again. That's not certain... but likely and, more unfortunately, hopeful. I can't decide if I'm running or if I'm just going somewhere else to enjoy my life because I can't here. Anyway... blah blah blah.

I glance up at what I've typed and I know it sounds like I'm in one of my dark places but I'm not. The weather and my better sense fight the gloom away most days. I feel helpless, though. I feel my grip on my values and beliefs slipping away. Either my age or the weight of my understanding has become too great to cling to the vine of my youthful ideals much longer. Am I giving up or am I moving on? I'll let you know how that goes. As it is, I must get back to work. Hope you have a wonderful day.